Advice

Ask Mariah: Fishing for Compliments

Q: My girlfriend is always fishing for compliments. Sometimes she’ll put down her looks, and tell me not to disagree with her. Why is she doing this and how can I get her to stop?

A: Your relationship may be suffering from several things, but, likely, you aren’t giving enough, she needs more than you can give or a combination of the two.

There are some definite issues with communication here, and if you haven’t asked your girlfriend why she does this, you should start there.

Hopefully, that proves to be insightful, but if it doesn’t, consider this, are you stingy with compliments when she gives them freely? Is it like pulling teeth to get kind words out of you, yet she’s the captain of your cheerleading team?

If so, instead of telling you, your girlfriend could be trying to teach you what she wants from you. It may be the case that her love language is words of affirmation, and she feels like you are either withholding love from her or failing to meet her needs. She may have tried to tell you this before, and you just didn’t get it. To remedy this, try giving her sincere compliments unprovoked.

Expressing gratitude to and for your partner can significantly benefit your relationship; however, I think the real problem here lies in “she’ll put down her looks and tell me not to disagree with her.

Your GF is creating an unhealthy situation because you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. She’s setting you up for failure, and you must find out if it’s intentional or not.

If it’s intentional, then it’s time to reassess your relationship.

If it’s unintentional, then it sounds like your girlfriend is what YouTube dating expert, Shallon Lester, would call a cold-blooded animal.

According to Lester in her video, How to Be Confident Like Rihanna: 3 Ways to Become an Alpha Female, people who are cold-blooded animals seek “constant validation from the world because as a cold-blooded animal [they] can’t regulate who [they are] inside.”

Meaning, your girlfriend needs warmth in the form of approval and validation from others because she doesn’t feel that on her own.

Unfortunately, you can vomit compliments, but it won’t solve the problem because that won’t build her self-esteem. Kind words and encouragement can help, but ultimately working on her self-confidence is a solo mission she has to embark on.

If your girlfriend continues to do this, tell her you don’t agree and wish she didn’t say those things because that’s not how you see her.

It’s okay for people to acknowledge their flaws, but that doesn’t mean that you have to defend them. Despite her intentions, the hill you die on shouldn’t be her cute, but large, ears.

ASK MARIAH IS AN ADVICE COLUMN WHERE THERE ARE NO STUPID QUESTIONS, AND NOTHING IS OFF-LIMITS. TO ASK MARIAH A QUESTION OF YOUR OWN, SEND A DIRECT MESSAGE TO @ODDITYANDCO ON INSTAGRAM.
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